Like, for instance, I really enjoy swearing. If you’ve spent any time with me you’ll know I use it like punctuation or breathing points. I try to be sensitive to these things, and there I are people that I love and respect who really do not like swearing. So I will swear and cuss openly and freely when I’m around people who have indicated that they don’t mind, and I will ‘behave’ myself when I’m not. I know we all do that. But we don’t though, do we? There are some of us who just don’t give a shit. When was the first time you ever swore in front of your Mum and Dad, or your Nan? I have only one memory of my Nan dropping an F-bomb…
I like to imagine that I’m actually a somewhat sensitive soul and quite deeply repressed, so I’ve mostly lacked the courage to be ‘naughty’ in public. I over-think things a lot! I constantly talk and shame myself out of doing things that other people would just wade into. My inner emotional rebel really is very heavily repressed. The angry twelve year old that lives in my head is sometimes really angry and potentially incredibly damaging. He has from time to time got out and fucked things up royally. So the repression and self-censorship has grown over the years. My chosen method of suicide in the past has been suffocation… the visceral, physical expression or manifestation of the psychological warfare with myself. **NB - I am currently good thanks, don’t panic. I’ve been in a relatively good, stable place mentally since at least 2018**
Of course I’ve been ‘naughty’ from time to time. I’ve been out on late night graff and paste-up missions, pinched stuff I’ve found or needed here and there, got into places I shouldn't have been, that sort of thing and such. I gave out hand-drawn, illustrated, erect penis stickers at a Christmas PCM night – I seriously agonised over that. The artists book that they belong to “Mr Dick Stickers’ Book Of Sticky Dicks” will (probably) remain forever a work in progress, (I’ve got hundreds of dick stickers in a drawer here) – or performing ‘Burning Down The Oasis’ at Southsea Castle, and painting it as a ‘protest piece’ at Upfest in 2023, but I’ve always found it extremely difficult emotionally. And I know I am or can be horrifically unforgiving, passive-aggressive and judgmental – an absolute wanker – people have told me so…
In my head, the lessons of my childhood live strong. Any sort of “Showing off in public” is ‘very bad’. ‘Self-promotion’ or being “prideful”, these things are also shameful. If your work is good enough, it will stand on its own merits. I know my two sisters feel the same to an extent – and we’re all three of us highly creative, expressive, repressed individuals.
So. WCIDWWIG - What Can I Do With What I’ve Got?
Where has this path lead me to? What is my enlightenment? I over-analyse everything. Everything. I self-censor to the point of being stifled and unproductive – and yet I am incessantly creative. I express myself in riddles and metaphors – clouds of ‘meaning’ that say everything and nothing. Bury everything beneath a storm of words. Keep my feelings to myself. Suffocate my creativity with guilt and shame. Definitely don’t let it out in public. Be ashamed and doubt the veracity of my feelings. (The current state of the backroom canvas is again, a physical manifestation of all of this – and it’s fucking magnificent! See photos!)
What's my strategy to counter all of this? Fierce Independence and as far as I can, self-reliance. Constantly question and refine my beliefs about everything. Make work for myself, which makes me happy. Try not to judge.
On my back room wall there lives, for a few years, a 3 metre canvas. It covers one complete wall. Over the years, I've painted it, and repainted it, and painted over it, and repainted over it many, many times. It's purpose is to be a completely free arena for whatever is in my head at the time. When an idea is done, it gets documented and painted over - wiped clean. It's had a drum machine and laser harps built into it, (not there now). It's a 3 metre non-permanent, sketchbook; a go-to for immediate throwing up of ideas and experiments. It's had collages, drawings, paintings, landscapes, portraits - every kind of art work on its surface. If I just need to get in and work out some emotional angst or just burn off some energy, it's there. It's job is to be on standby.
It is iterative, constantly moving, constantly changing, but continuous. It's about process. It embodies so much of the way my head and my art works. It's transitive, open, free, enabling, non-precious, living.
And if you’ve made it this far – thanks for listening, thanks for being there, have a great day and go and do something positive for a complete stranger. I will love you for that.
Thanks, all the best,
Los Dave
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